H@res: Rambush: First Blood, Ass 2 Math, Winter Merkin, Semper Pi (as the coveted role of Beer Bitch)

H@shers: I’m Not a Cock, Chicken Dick, Altered Boy, VAGiant, Diaper Rash, Cum On My Back-teria, Touch Myself In General, Hep-C, Sex & Ate, It’s Pretty Tight, Just Tori, Just Mallory, Just Buttlicker, No Pussy 4 Him, Udderly F-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ucked, Pennsil Vein, Just Kelly and Just Kelly, Just Beth, The Rapist, Six o’Cock, and Olive Dick!

Grill Bitches: Just Chuck?, Just Yeti

‘Tis runnin’ season for the Camel Toes and Moose Knuckles of Southeast Michigan, and witnessed this day was gender bending at its finest. The hariettes wanted to show how big their balls really were (hey, our eyes are up here, TMI) not only in their revealing spandex shorts, but also in their trail-laying skills. Some male h@shers donned the littlest shorts, smashing their junk into the tightest of compartments (It’s Pretty Tight excluded) and shared their pride and balls with all. Everyone arrived and at la casa de Not Cock ‘n Bush, pre-lubing while gazing at the shirtless neighbor whacking on his lawn across the street.

By the complaints and weepings of some of the FRBs arriving at the first beer check, the first half was apparently as COMB put it: “a fucking death march”. On the way, there was a little road, a bit of railroad, and some substantial shiggy. No one knew that bamboo lived in Novi, Michigan. No one knew they were going to get a moose knuckle fuck from a false on trail, either. Distance was chopped up with a couple of FRB stops along the way. All the r#nners had a beer for themselves at the first FRB. There was even a second FRB stop. The ungrateful, whiny-assholes forgot about those though when finally arriving at the first beer check, because all was heard was how long and exhausting the trail was. They must’ve lost their balls in the bamboo stalks back there. Just a couple of miles later had cum the 2nd beer check. I’m Not a Cock realized for the first time that he has trail in his own backyard.

Back at the Not Cock ‘n Bush abode, the grill bitches were marinating themselves in vodka and Redbull, while the h@shers reunited with the beer-stocked garage. During ceremonies Just Mallory drank for dropping her $15 not-so-securely stuffed into her sports bra on trail, a few drank for going down on trail, a few more for overachieving, many for overall whining, a fuck-ton for neglecting their elbows when pointing, and a special down-down was well deserved for No Pussy for getting kicked out of the hardest place you could get yourself kicked out of: The Toledo Hash. Deserving of receiving the Hash Shit again perhaps?

As the sun dropped, the raunchy and drunken shouts echoed through the Novi neighborhood. Chicken Dick shamelessly showed off all his practiced centerfold poses on the cool driveway. Pretty Tight attempted another stalker-douche exorcism of No Pussy, but as always, only in vain. Overheard throughout the attempt, other than “NO, SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN” was No Pussy’s latest pickup line: “Hi, my name is Matt…So, where do you live?” Throughout all the endless advice thrown against the wall of VD-infested stubbornness known as No Pussy was the wisest quote of the night, given by an 18 year old “prodigy”, Just Tori : “Dude, don’t put your dick in crazy.”

‘Til next trail! ON ON!