Hares: Mother Inferior, Cakehole, Show & Tell

Hashers: KY King, VAGiant, Diaper Rash, Ride the Pony, Semper Pi, Touch Myself In General, Self Rising, I Needa More Head, I’m Not a Cock, Rambush: First Blood, Ass 2 Math, Big Fat Fuck, Don’key, How’d He Do Me and his Virgin, Tranny Head, Lube My Beads, Sleeps in his Sister’s Bed, No Pussy 4 Him, Udderly F-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-ucked, Just Candace, Olive Dick, Chicken Dick, In & Out, Six O’Cock, The Rapist, It’s Pretty Tight, Just Flava Flav, MC Hammer, Rubber Gloves, Analytical, Suzie ChapsDicks, The Decorated Asshole, Poop Skywalker, Just Dave, Cum On My Back-teria, Winter Merkin, Asti Spunk On Me, Coxcykle, Just Colin, Just Kiddy-Porn-Dungeon, tons of other NFNs and  another Virgin.

Gathering in the parking lot, hashers arrived in their finest cycling / doping gear to the Tour de Franzia Hash. BFF found it more appropriate to come dressed as a bald Andre the Giant, while No Pussy was granted the yellow jersey for being the most under-dressed. Being a dead trail, the hares took their time in getting to the start, leaving the pre-lubers parched. All fine though; everyone just drank Not a Cock’s and Rambush’s beer from their cooler. Mistress Cunt Hammer disgraced us with her presence, and there was much rejoicing at hearing her name in circle. Vagiant also decided it’d be a good idea to start his alcohol abuse early on, and threw empty cans at anything that started moving in front of his already drunken sight. It’s Pretty Tight brought her most recent Flava-Flav back, with expectations to get some miles in, but little did they know they’d be in for some heavy shiggy and 6 stages of the Tour de Franzia.

Each stage was meticulously laid to amaze and piss off the r#nners, with plenty of Fs and BCs. At first there were breakaways and some pelaton action, r#nning and w@lking each, but then it eventually turned into a big blob of winos. After the first Franzia check everyone had to get their crotches a little moist and wade through the murky waters. At a later Z check No Pussy was spotted charging his vessel 3X full of the Chablis (which was possibly just hare urine), and even later Just Candace convinced herself to have a dixie party cup or two. By the time everyone returned to their cars for ceremonies, Chicken Dick already gave up his keys and others picked back up the game of “guess how many pricks I can hit with my half-drunk can of Miller?”

Ceremonies were near impossible. Blame it on the adult juice boxes, or on the full moon that makes everyone debaucherous (new word), or just blame it on Vagiant, because, well, fuck that guy. When Semper wasn’t breaking her vocal chords, the ManBoob Cup title was passed down from Sleeps to No Pussy, with the now impressive B cups (Altered Boy would be envious), back sliders drank for their negligence, the chivalrous were punished with beer, and the Virgins were welcummed with the ever classic “Old McDonald”.

The on after congregated ceremoniously at the “& Tell abode”. Too much to mention on the happenings happenin’, but what was learned was that one should never just start pissing off the deck without first checking for innocent bystanders. It’s not an R. Kelly video, Vagiant. Also, it is understood that COMB’s back hair makes Cakehole and Lube a)jealous, and b)mildly disturbed. More interestingly, Show & Tell is actually Spiderman and can scale the side of his own house in record time. And even though everyone already knows this, BFF likes it in Show & Tell’s kitchen.

‘Til next trail. ON ON!