Gutter’s 2nd Annual F###-Off Hash
There was a hash today!
Unfortunately, Gutter Guzzler is departing MOA2H3 to go live with his grandpa (???), so he threw a hash in the hellscape that is the ex-urban north-Novi/M-5 corridor. Hashers arrived in the department store-sized parking lot of “Uptown Grille” and drove all the way to the back to commence Circle. A suspicious lack of example marks made some of us question the legitimacy of everything from the get-go, but we set off on trail anyway.
Trail was well-laid and easy to follow, yet somehow miserable because, once again, it is impossible to not be miserable in Commerce Township. The first leg for runners was about 4 miles and included one (1) FRB… how the hares thought that would sustain all of us is a complete mystery. We crossed M-5 about fourteen times with absolutely no indication to BVC, let alone BVFC, and it was deeply unpleasant. Leg 1 concluded with a circle jerk through some nasty shiggy, during which Black and Tan got his lil weiner completely filthy (and not in a good way).
Luckily we managed to arrive at the one (1) BN that was located in a lame park “where people go to watch their dogs shit” but we were revived by the excellent Support Ukraine shots, which consisted of Ukrainian vodka selected by the Assistant Manager at Total Wine and some yellow and blue chasers, of which Ditch Bitch and I agreed the blue was better. Much to everyone’s dismay, the wind was blowing at 100 miles per hour and we all became freezing in about 30 seconds and eagerly ushered the hares on their way so that we could follow closely behind.
Leg 2 started off in good spirits, especially after Uncle Touchy led us mistakenly to a cell phone tower and we all felt the 5G power of our vaccines coursing through our veins. Sex & Ate laughed at the r#nners as he watched us head off immediately in the wrong direction only to come back several moments later and r#n by him feeling chagrined. I frankly feel like I left my soul on leg 2 after this because all we did was cross major thoroughfares to run through big box store parking lots but I will cease the complaints for now as trail was well marked and, although it was difficult to believe this is what we were supposed to be doing, it was also difficult to get lost. Diaper enjoyed a classic game of Frogger with the cars traveling 70 mph down M-5. Spoiler alert: he won.
There were zero (0) FRBs on Leg 2 and the hashers were dismayed but sallied forth and made it back to “Uptown Grille” where there was a shocking lack of beer. Handy Capable assured us that the beer was “on its way,” which no one found comforting. Eventually, Gutter did arrive with the cooler and a fairly expedited circle commenced since, once again, the wind was blowing 100 mph. The main highlight was the Safety Sleeve that Whip found on trail and forced Gutter to use, which immediately resulted in him dumping Ukrainian vodka in his eye. Exciting!
We then proceeded into “Uptown Grille” for the on after, where beverages were consumed and the child’s birthday party behind us was incredibly, incredibly unhappy that we were seated near to them. Glares were exchanged. When food arrived we were all shocked at the sizes of the nachos but most significantly by the fact that Whip It Out had ordered mashed potatoes topped with macaroni and cheese for his dinner. When questioned he said simply, “I was hungry.” We all became more shocked when he proceeded to make his food into a “Devil’s Tower” and violate it (see attached video). We then learned that a certain hasher “doesn’t poop, she hatches” or in other words “shits coconuts.” At that point it became clear to Cockwell and I that it was time to depart and thus we did. I encourage anyone present for the remainder of the evening to share further stories.
Raising a glass to Gutter, safe travels, come back and visit your home kennel soon, and have “fun” with your grandpa,Slip’n’Ride