Hares: Trim My Bush, No Pussy for Him, Rambush: First Blood, Winter Merkin, After School Special

Hashers: Heavy Load, Mother Load, Over Load, Touch Myself in General, Ride the Pony, Diaper Rash, Don’key, Big Fat Fuck, Vagiant, Just Scott, I’m Not a Cock, The Rapist, Sex and Ate, Six o’Cock, Chicken Dick, Olive Dick, Altered Boy, Udderly Fuuuuuuuuuuuucked, Maggot, Pennsyl Vein, Show n’ Tell, Virgin daughter of Rambush, Two Virgins who we may be lifers (yes!), and anyone else was forgotten or still lost due to TMB’s directions.

….Bushwhacker… Brownies…. Apple Pie… oh myyy……

Only down in the brushy bushland of Pittsfield can some wankers put on a swell hash. The trail this day was set with the many nuances of TMB’s historical pilgrimage into the U.S. (minus la migra scares), including a lot of hares hiding from their snatchers, a lot of trespassing and wading through questionable sludge, BFF sticking foreign objects up his ass for safe passage (not like we’re surprised… I’m pretty sure that’s where Don’key curls up and sleeps every night), and as always, a lot of alcohol consumed before, during and after. Thankfully Rambush: First Blood came fully prepared, packing enough poison ivy meds to sooth even Vagiant’s itchiest of sensitive areas, and supplying the Hash with a glorious amount of “Bushwhacker Drank” and brownies. On top of that, we were also disgraced with the heavy presence of the Load family, providing us copious levels of delicious “Apple Pie” drank, along with unforgettable moments and quotes, including Over Load to Vagiant after some indecent exposure: “I’ve seen bigger balls than that on my dog.” We love you Over.

As the hares saunter off, TMB comes to the realization that he pulled a “Tarahumara” and went off without his shoes until the first beer check. Freshly lacquered with bug spray and liquored with “Apple Pie” and Hamm’s, the hashers took off into the wild blue yonder soon after. They trotted through corn husk as bristly and as prevalent as Udderly’s changing profile, and in honor of Mother’s Day, the hares laid for the hashers a wide, swampy, sticky, bacteria-laced hole for them to wade and force themselves through, much like many of our, or at least Chicken Dick’s, first emergence from our birth mothers’ canals. Vagiant took a chance on trail and dove into the high stalks and powerlines, only to be stabbed by them in vain and encounter a false. There were many other falses, as well as Back Checks and a Singapore Back Check. You’d think that Pittsfield wouldn’t give a f#ck about people running around, drinking and blowing each other….’s whistles, but apparently I’m Not a Cock, Sex and Ate AND the Mother Load herself were acting like a bunch of debauchees, and were questioned by the local police (that’s twice, Not a Cock, am I right?).

Ceremonies began at the cars, where Sex and Ate substituted for the absent Semper Pi and acted as temporary Religious Advisor, which meant, there was no f#ckin’ around during circle this day. Vagiant learned that the hard way after tossing his beer across the crowd, and had to be punished publicly for his actions with a water lashing of his own. The racists had to drink, especially TMI for his incredible finish at his first 50k at Gnawbone, as did late cummers, cop-flirters, and some freaky-fresh Virgins. As the cars were beginning to pull out, Rambush turned up her stereo and broke into liturgical dancing, accompanied by yours truly, to the always hip, “She’s Blinding Me With Science”. At Frasier’s COMB and Just Candace graced us with their ultra-late presence. Ceremonies were opened to honor COMB as an overachiever for his recent 50 mile finish at Gnawbone, and Just Scott was cleverly given the hash name “Asti Spunk On Me”, which so well resembles his bottom-bunk roommate agreement with Vagiant. Some male hashers enlightened our loud barmaid with the black-eye on what you tell a woman with two black eyes (“nothin’. you already told her twice”), meanwhile the rest ended the night merrily and scraped to shit.

Til next trail! ON ON!